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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25677454">The Naming of Plants</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somebodys_Hermione/pseuds/Somebodys_Hermione'>Somebodys_Hermione</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Life and Times of an Ugly Purple Plant [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>A Sequel, And general chaos, F/F, Gen, Inappropriate use of sending, Lots of fun Nott &amp; Fjord interactions, Pure Unprocessed Comedy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:21:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,265</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25677454</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somebodys_Hermione/pseuds/Somebodys_Hermione</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which the Nein attempt to satisfactorily name Beau and Yasha's adopted plant and chaos ensues</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Beauregard Lionett/Yasha</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Life and Times of an Ugly Purple Plant [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1860283</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>140</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Naming of Plants</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is much more of general group chaos fic, but if you are looking for more of the mushy ship goodness, check out the previous work in this series, it's all there I promise! </p><p>Also, yes I know I used a lot of generic English names as opposed to fantasy names, but there are a lot of names in here, plus I thought the ones I chose were funnier. Don't @ me</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>People probably assumed that Beauregard Lionett didn’t care about anything, but Caleb knew better. He would have known better anyhow, because of the course of his travels with the Mighty Nein, Beau had been the one continuously reaching out to him- one shitty person to another- so he was very aware of what being cared about by Beau felt like. But...even if you didn’t have any of that connection, Caleb was noticing Beau becoming noticeably sentimental about a plant of all things. Or more accurately, Caleb assumed, about the person the plant now belonged to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beau had been loudly flirting with the group’s barbarian for a while, but if you took the time to pay attention (and Caleb always paid attention) you would have noticed that the aggressive flirting had morphed over time into something surprisingly soft (He wasn’t sure Yasha had noticed yet, unfortunately, but that wasn’t his place to say anything about). And then Beau had gotten Yasha a plant, and the amount of care poured into that plant by those two was bordering on excessive. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb hadn’t been particularly surprised that Yasha was lavishing the plant with the love normally reserved for a small child, because Yasha was a very loving person (and plants were easier to love than people were. Caleb understood that). She has rigged a very complex harness at the top of her rucksack to comfortably hold the pot and always delicately adjusted it to accommodate the new pots the plant was rapidly going through due to reckless fighting and truly astonishing root growth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yasha also talked to the plant </span>
  <em>
    <span>constantly</span>
  </em>
  <span>, usually in celestial, which was fitting since that was what the plant was named in. Caleb had been noticing another interesting situation, however. Because Yasha was not the only one who talked to the plant. Beauregard had also been conversing with the prickly plant, quite often, although it was only when she was under the impression that other people could not hear her. Over the course of the last month, the small plant had been referred to as “dude”, “motherfucker” (when Beau had knocked over the pot) and once, memorably “funky little leaf-man”. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now, see, here entered the dilemma for Caleb Widowgast. This was all incredibly entertaining for him, but he knew that if he made fun of Beau for her attachment to the plant there was a non-zero chance the monk would completely shut-down all interactions with the plant. And Caleb couldn’t let that happen, mostly for Yasha’s sake, but also Beau’s, because the monk was daily acting the most open Caleb had ever seen her. That wasn’t something he was interested in ruining. But he also figured that it would be better for Beau not to feel like she could only care about the plant when no one was paying attention. So Caleb devised a plan. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took him a couple of days to find the exact set-up he was thinking of, but the opportunity provided itself nonetheless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They had just finished setting up camp, and Jester and Yasha had gone off to find firewood, so Beau was plant sitting. And even though the monk was consumed with the process of setting up her bedroll, she was talking under her breath to the plant throughout the entire procedure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Caleb tried to approach as loudly as possible to alert her to his presence, but he needn't have been worried, given Beau’s monk reflexes. She was whipped around and prepared before he was even in arms range. Smiling, Caleb settled next to her, Frumpkin burrowing in his lap. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know Beauregard, if you are going to continue talking to our small plant friend, they really deserve a name, </span>
  <em>
    <span>ja</span>
  </em>
  <span>?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beau had immediately turned red, and Caleb could see the instinct to deny that she had been doing any such thing, but it quickly faded and she instead received “He already has a name, what are you talking about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, Yasha named him in celestial, which you don’t speak. And besides, I don’t see a reason why someone can’t have more than one name.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beau smiled at the joke Caleb made, but before she could respond, Caleb stopped Fjord who was passing by. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fjord! If you were going to name a plant, what would you say is a good name?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uhhhhhhh….” The question had obviously caught him off guard “Maybe...Walter?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Interesting. I was thinking Helmut myself. It’s a good Zemnian name”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are we naming?” Nott had suddenly materialized behind Beau. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We-” Beau was unable to finish her response because Jester and Yasha had returned back to camp and Jester had enthusiastically dumped the wood she was carrying to clap her hands together “Oooooh, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>love </span>
  </em>
  <span>naming things!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are we naming?” Yasha asked after also depositing her wood in the newly created pile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had been thinking it might be nice if your plant had a name in common so we could all address him more properly.” Caleb had been mildly worried Yasha would take offense at the suggestion, but the way her face immediately lit up at the thought that the others were taking an interest in her baby proved him wrong and she managed to stammer out, “That-that sounds like a great idea.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I thought the point was we didn’t name food.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s not </span>
  <em>
    <span>food, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Nott” Yasha only sounded a tad offended. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I don’t even think he’s edible,” Beau added, poking at the misshaped vines as emphasis. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Besides, we have plenty of food” Caleb hadn’t even noticed that Caduceus had appeared, but the firbolg tended to do that a lot for someone who was seven feet tall. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Any</span>
  </em>
  <span>ways,” Jester cut in, “I think his name should be something romantic, you know? Like...Luke. or Fitzgerald.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beau rolled her eyes. “You think everything should be romantic, Jes”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, well, that’s because I’m right.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fjord had settled himself on the ground and seemed to be thinking deeply. “Maybe we should give him a strong name. Something to keep him safe.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The noise Nott made could have been best categorized as something between a strangled laugh and a snort. “Oh yes, Fjord Tough, please tell us what makes a </span>
  <em>
    <span>strong name.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, it's not like I see you making any suggestions!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I could come up with a million suggestions!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh yeah? Name </span>
  <em>
    <span>one</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a pause that was slightly too long, Nott shrieked “Frederik!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Frederik?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Frederik,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” Nott repeated, daring Fjord to challenge her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If Caleb had known what a process this was destined to become, he might have thought better of it, but that night he simply enjoyed the bickering that continued late into the night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were deep underground, fighting some variety of undead creatures when it happened. After carving through a particularly vicious zombie, Fjord paused and called out “...What about Edmund?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Edmund is a good name,” Yasha nodded in agreement while wrenching her sword from the multiple creatures it was currently skewered in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Edmund sounds like an asshole name” The source of the voice wasn’t immediately apparent, but the rest of Nein recognized it as Nott’s coming from high in a nearby tree</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It does </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Nott.” It was clear that Fjord was continuing the argument simply out of spite.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is too! I knew an Edmund once, and he used to pick the wings off flies like a Real Creep.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“aaaAAAUUUUGGHHHHH.” The conversation was cut short by Jester releasing battle cry as she dropped a large pink lollipop on 3 zombies. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was some sort of festival, and they had carved out a few days of fun time before they continued on adventuring. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jester, of course, made a beeline for the cart stacked to the brim with various sugary sweets, which was currently being run by a small old gnome. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi, my name’s Jester! What’s your name?” Jester chirped while simultaneously shoving her hand in the woman’s face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, hello dearie. My name is Lisa.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without warning, the tiefling suddenly turned and yelled (loud enough to deafen all citizens within a 10 ft radius), “Yasha! What about Lisa?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The woman heard a soft, distant reply of “Lisa is a good name”, followed immediately by a different, deeper voice saying “I don’t know if I like Lisa.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The voices faded into the sound of a faraway argument, but the blue tiefling (Jester, she’d said), turned back to the woman, smiling and slightly shaking her head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lisa would have said something, but then Jester proceeded to purchase every single pastry on her cart, so Lisa decided she should probably keep her mouth shut. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have we tried asking him what his name is?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beau was sitting in front of the campfire and was gently cradling the plant between her knees, but she looked up at the suggestion. “Can you do that, Cad?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I can certainly try.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For the next 10 minutes, the rest of the Nein watched as Caduceus sat quietly in what appeared to be an intense focus, as he very politely inquired whether or not the plant had any opinions on his naming. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When the plant failed to respond, Caduceus opened his eyes and calmly spoke, “He doesn’t seem to be very talkative, but I like Jacob”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey everyone, just wanted to say, Reani wanted everyone to know, she misses all of us, Caduceus’ family is doing good, and also she </span>
  <em>
    <span>likes</span>
  </em>
  <span> the name Fitzgerald, so there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have decided I have the most relevant expertise when it comes to naming this plant.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, </span>
  <em>
    <span>ja</span>
  </em>
  <span>? Why do you say that, Nott?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I am the only one here who has actually named a child.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know, that actually is a good point” Fjord had come back and was now sitting with a contemplative look on his face. “How did you pick Luc’s name?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We had a list, actually. It had lots of good halfling names on it. Like...Idomo. Or Nortran. And Xohorn.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you picked...Luc?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, obviously Fjord. Yeza and I wanted a unique name for our baby.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Essek supposed it was mostly his fault for engaging them in the first place, but he was rapidly becoming aware of the fact that the Mighty Nein were going to be a pain in his side for the foreseeable future whether or not he engaged them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still, in this scenario, it very much was his fault, because he had been so taken aback by seeing a huge viney plant resting on their barbarian’s shoulder that he had very foolishly asked the question of what the plant was and why it was sitting on her shoulder. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yasha stared back placidly and simply responded with, “He likes to be tall. He gets a better view that way.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And there hadn’t even been time to fully process that statement before the incredibly annoying blue girl had appeared out of nowhere and was adding, completely unprompted, “His name is Fitzgerald!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This immediately incited several overlapping shouts of “No, it fucking isn’t!” and “His name is literally anything else besides Fitzgerald!” and Essek regretted every single choice that had led him to this moment in time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The Gentleman didn’t hear from his daughter that often, and when he did it was never at a convenient time, but simply sitting at his desk and receiving the message “Baby names? Thoughts? It’s a boy” almost gave him a heart attack. Jester’s message had continued for several more seconds of her simply listing names, which only increased the panic in his voice when he was finally able to respond. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jester, you-you’re pregnant? When? How? Who’s the father? Is it that half-orc? Fucking shit, I need more information.” He allowed himself a small pause, before continuing “And I like the name Brendan.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took longer than he would have liked, but he finally received a reply. “I like Brendan, too! And don’t worry, he’s not mine, he’s Beau and Yasha’s baby. Love you, talk to you later, you should talk to Ma-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The response really raised more questions than it answered, but he decided not to think about it too hard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Heeeeey, Shakaste….just wanted to see how you were doing, I’m sure you’re so busy and everything...what do you think of the name Fitzgerald?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nott was riding on Yasha’s shoulders alongside the plant, and after several seconds of a staring contest between the two, Nott called out, “I think we should name him Ajrthur, with a j.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, where’s the j?,” Fjord asked instinctively, and then immediately regretted his choices. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, F</span>
  <em>
    <span>J</span>
  </em>
  <span>ord, where’s the J?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The conversation continued with further suggestions including Ojliver, Bjob, and Jjustin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The Nein were back, and that meant that they were here to torment Essek for the foreseeable future or until they begged him to transport him to some random location that would undoubtedly lead to them calling him again in 2 weeks when they needed out of whatever idiotic situation they’d landed themselves in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The worst part was that they still had that absolutely hideous plant with them (having somehow doubled in size, which Essek hadn’t thought was possible) and they </span>
  <em>
    <span>still </span>
  </em>
  <span>hadn’t picked a name for it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It had been weeks since he’d seen them last, and yet, here they were, still squabbling about what they were going to call this plant as if it were of the utmost importance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, of course it was only in an attempt the finally settle the argument (and for no other reason related to a growing affection for this collection of incompetent morons) that Essek suggested, “Let me see if I can think of some good Drow names that might work.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for TheWisdomQueen for coming up with like, half of these scenarios</p></blockquote></div></div>
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